Worried how miso prevents me from forming relationships

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    J

    Can someone please help me? It’s long but please read if you can. I am worried about how much misophonia causes me to isolate myself and refrain from deep relationships. It is my biggest source of social anxiety. My trigger is coughing, so of course I will never be able to completely avoid hearing it unless I hole myself up in the Himalayas in a hut away from civilization. This is not what I want to do, even though it can be tempting some days. Growing up with parents who smoked, coughing was a common sound in my childhood. I always felt distant from them both because I was always in my bedroom to avoid hearing them cough. I would plug my ears and run out of the room when I was eight when I heard it. As a teenager I stayed in my bedroom all day. I loved my parents–we didn’t have a bad relationship or anything (I hid my misophonia very well and managed to stay nice when though I was panicking on the inside) but what hurts the most is knowing I could never spend a lot of time with them without feeling anxious. I am 24 now and have never had a boyfriend and virtually have no friends now. I want to go back to my church (haven’t been in years due to miso and social anxiety) but the coughing and throat clearing I will hear keeps me from going. I also get startled and it shows. It embarrass me so much and I try so much to hide it. When I know someone is going to cough I tense my back muscles as tight as possible so they don’t see me jump. I wear foam earplugs in my ears 24/7 with music on my headphones everyday. I worry about my future and how or if I will ever get to form any deep relationships with people without keeping them at a distance because of my misophonia. I have dreams of being married but I favor being alone so I don’t have to be subjected to coughing sounds, which are unavoidable. Heck, I trigger myself and hate it when I have to cough and I actually run to an empty room and turn the radio on so no one hears me. It’s like misophonia has turned coughing into a phobia for me.

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