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April 19, 2020 at 6:40 pm #1012043RChapman
OK, so I’ve never talked about something online before like this, so I apologise if this weird, or full on or too much.
I’ve recently realised this way of life has a name. I’ve being living like this my whole life. People beeping their horns outside, housemates banging washing baskets against my wall, TV sounds through walls, talking through walls, work colleagues relentlessly talking to draining and painful levels, work colleagues shouting loudly, people talking outside my window, people banging in the street/on doors etc – all these things make me feel very angry, very upset, extremely trapped and triggers a huge surge of draining emotion in me. I try to drown them out with music, the TV or turning up my xbox etc. I’ve recently bought noise cancelling mufflers which make a HUGE difference and I highly recommend.
But the reason I’m writing here is to see if this sounds like something anyone can relate to and if this ‘disorder’ has ruined anyone’s life like it has mine?
I have struggled to keep jobs, there’s always been work colleagues who talk a lot and are very outgoing on my teams, which is just healthy normal behaviour, right? So I feel like I’m the problem because they’re just being their wonderful outgoing Selves. But because of their noise output I’ve not lasted more than a year in any job, ever and I’ve tried a lot!
So here I am, 33 years old, no career, unemployed.
I also find it really hard to keep friendships. Finding lovely people who I gel with happens, but then they’ll want to go out for drinks in a busy town centre. Or just go out somewhere public for a coffee. This isn’t something I can do just like that, and although I don’t go very often, sometimes it works out fine when I go. But 90% of the time I end up sick of people and the sounds they force onto me. I’m angry, upset and this leads to me being exhausted with no energy. All from a flipping coffee date! I’d be worn out and useless for the rest of the day.
So an 8 hour working day with a young vibrant noisy team would drain me to my bones. I’d get so angry, so frustrated and absolutely exhausted. I lost so much weight every time I ever tried to work full time. On edge all the time, crying on the way home each evening and dreading the next working day even if it was my days off. My mum made me believe that if you couldn’t keep a job then there was something wrong with you. And that I had to be in work to be of any worth. My life has been absolute hell.
I’m now lucky enough to have somehow, god knows how, have found a wonderful man who has a much milder form of this hatred for human noise and he has a fantastic job with quiet mature adults. Because of this he’s saved me from permanently being on job seekers, or even homeless which has almost happened a few times before. We’ve been together 3 or 4 years (who’s counting) and he’s helped me identify that I suffer from misophonia.
I know what I’ve described is a bit full on, but the actual experience is about ten times worse, it’s horrendous. Please tell me that there are others like this out there.
I think a part of me just wants to know that actually, I’m not a failure because I can’t keep friendships or hold down jobs, but that it’s all down to the way the very fabric of my being is wired.
You can’t fill a circle shaped hole with a square – I’m hoping there’s other squares who resonate with my story here? If so, I’d love to hear it.