I don’t forgive my parents

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  • #1009045 Reply
    Mia

    I don’t forgive my parents. How do I tell them? I don’t think I’ll ever have a real relationship with them until I do. They have no idea who I am and it’s actually uncomfortable, especially considering the show they put on for others (and honestly for themselves) about how close we are. On one hand, I stand by my lack of forgiveness by reminding myself of the times I was told that people make noises and to deal with it, was told I’ve ruined countless family events by my reactions and unhappiness, was called a freak behind my back, and was physically hit for imitating hand motions that were triggering me.
    On the other hand, they have given me everything I ever needed and wanted. They love me and would do anything for me. I feel guilty about the things I despise about them because I think I hated them before the misophonia, I actually think it’s what’s caused the misophonia. My dad’s cluelessness, my mom’s anxiety, how embarrassed I used to feel when they interacted with literally any friend, stranger, or parent around us, how embarrassed I still feel. I am 21 years old at a good college with a good life they gave me and I still get a tight feeling in my chest when a word is about to leave my dad’s mouth, scared that he will sound stupid or uncultured. It’s so hard for me to admit that even anonymously. I hate myself for feeling that way even more than I resent them for giving me their “embarrassing” qualities. Everything they ever did was with my best interests at heart with the best intentions.
    Except how they dealt with my misophonia, but they stopped blaming me years ago. Still, I don’t think they ever apologized. There is a difference between the bare minimum of trying not to make the sounds that bother me/not getting mad at me for reacting and really trying to understand the agony and torture of what I go through on a daily basis/validating my struggle. I want to tell them this. I think it would make me feel so much better. But, I don’t know how it would go. I can’t remember the last time we had a real conversation about me and something I’m feeling on a deeper level than just the surface. I guess it makes sense that I don’t trust them, that I don’t really trust anyone. I don’t think I even trust myself. I can’t seem to figure out who I am, what I believe, and what I want.
    I’ve found myself picking fights lately, probably to give me an excuse to unleash this, but I know I’ll never go through with it. An outburst would feel amazing, but I think I lost the ability to have outbursts and honest raw expressions of emotion because I have to bury them constantly. My insides can be raging and fighting and screaming and clawing but outside I am motionless, expressionless. It doesn’t make it any less painful; in fact, it makes it more painful. But, I am in a constant state of monitoring myself, my thoughts, my emotions, how I am being perceived by others. With all of that monitoring, there is no time for just being. I don’t know how to just be in the moment anymore. I’ve been trying with mindfulness, but I think I’m just tricking myself into thinking it’s helping because when I dig deeper, I still feel distant, disconnected, empty, unfulfilled, and like something is missing. I don’t feel present in my own life and it’s scary. I don’t know if this has come from the misophonia or if the misophonia has come from it. I didn’t used to be like this as a kid – I was loud, unafraid, confident, unapologetic, light. My thoughts didn’t race like you can clearly tell they do now. How do I break the pattern? How do I start living my life?

    #1009060 Reply
    CJ

    A lot of people are quite clueless. You have to find a way to get them to understand without being confrontational. It can be done. Lack of communication is a two way cause. Try highlighting the issue with humour when issues occur even if you feel rage inside.

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